Top 10 Replacements for Osi Umenyiora
In light of Michael Strahan electing to stay retired instead of pulling a Brett Favre, I thought it’d be appropriate to offer up some potential candidates to fill the massive void that’s been created on the Giants defensive line.
Top 10 Replacements for Osi Umenyiora
10. Ruben Studdard
American Idol’s original big teddy bear could serenade the offense and plow through them at the same time, and thanks to Uncle Sam, he’s in need of money in what ever form he can get it.
9. Lindsay Lohan
She showed the world she’s good at running into to things head-on. Why not put her in a place where she can wreck something other than a street curve and some bushes?
8. Rosie O’Donnell
Nuff said!
7. Peter Griffin
He’s big enough to plow over an undersized offensive lineman, and dumb enough to play with a concussion. Need any team ask for more from their defensive lineman?
6. Jack Black
Not only has he shown us flashes of athleticism in movies like “Nacho Libre” and “Airborne,” but I’m sure he can use the same deception he’s used to trick fans into watching his movies on opposing O-Lineman, and swoop right by them.
5. Tom Cruise
He could be the center piece of the defensive line, because he was bold enough to stroll into Germany and convince them to let him shoot his movie in a place no one else was allowed. On top of that, he’s also got that Scientology thing going for him, so at worst, he could talk opponents into a daze of confusion and run under their legs for an easy sack.
4. Kim Kardashian
She’s obviously a strange selection for this position. But I ask, can you think of anyone that single-handedly slowed a premiere back as much as she did Reggie Bush? I thought not.
3. Jessica Simpson
She’s here for the same reason Kardashian is. All it took was for her to show up to one game and Tony Romo went from elite quarterback to scrub. If she can have that impact on a regular basis, the opposing quarterback doesn’t stand a chance. On top of that, you’ve got to love what she’s already done for the G-Man!
2. Homer Simpson
Think along the lines of Peter Griffin, but subtract some weight and add a few points for brawn over brains, because Homer’s coming at you regardless of how many times you knock him down.
1. Kimbo Slice
By now everyone should know the story. He’s a guy who punched his way to fame and fortune in backyard brawls on YouTube. He’s quick for his size, is big and generally angry. Need we provide another reason?
Well folks, that’s what I’m bringing to the table for a possible Osi replacement. Anyone got some better ideas?
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Love it!
May I be so bold as to present another option: the now unemployed Jay Mariotti. He’s not quick, he’s not strong and he sure as hell aint athletic, BUT I’d love to see him get rolled over like a mound of baking dough.
Couldn’t agree more with the Jay Mariotti idea....although I think he’s better suited for one of those old Reebok commercials with Terry Tate (the office linebacker)....It’d be great to see him brought back down to Earth...although I believe getting fired might do that!
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